Discover “Unconditional Love” : Part 1

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Unconditional Love – What is it?

Let’s try to answer this basic question. Despite a whole life full of people who love me intensely, I never got to realise the true value and impact of “unconditional love”. The first time I realised its power was, when my Daughter – Inaayat – was born. I’m sure this must be the case with most of you, but for the benefit of others, let me explain my interpretation in simple words.

Unconditional love for people in our lives is a love where – 

  1. Irrespective of whatever you do, I love and accept you and it grows every day
  2. I often think about what can I do more to make you happy and smile
  3. I feel like in love with every being around me
  4. If you do any mistakes (in my eyes), I explain right things to you, and let go
  5. I do let you know how bad I felt with your actions, but still not even an ounce of love decreases in my heart for you
  6. I accept how you are, and respect your choices and decisions
  7. I acknowledge that you have a self-identity, and let you live the way you want to live
  8. I don’t feel the need to be with you physically always, but feel the need to know that you are happy and content wherever you are
  9. I listen to anything you tell me, without any judgments
  10. I am logical with you and reason out behaviours and actions, without a fear that I will lose you
  11. I don’t force, urge you or put you in guilt to take quick tangible action on things that are not going well. After explaining/advising, I give space to you to decide, and respect your choices and decisions
  12. Even if you are facing the consequences of some of your action in the past, I still love you and am there with you to help / support you to deal with it
  13. For your good, I take some decisions based on my own logical thoughts that might hurt you at that time, but in the long run my intention is to help/support you, because I love you unconditionally

When I experienced this love for my daughter, I felt like in heaven. This was the purest form of LOVE that I’ve ever experienced. That’s why they say, it’s a blessing to be a MOM or DAD, because that’s the easiest effortless way for most, to feel the power of “unconditional love”.

But then, a thought struck me, who all are there in my life, who are close to or completely in an unconditional love zone with me. The love that I never realised was so intense before! All of them, are incredibly in an unconditional love zone with me.I thanked god for giving me such people in my life.

A big discovery about “Unconditional Love”

I started consciously thinking more about this unconditional love. The thought that kept hovering over me was -“How beautiful, abundant and satisfying life could be – if I were to love many more people unconditionally.how about increasing my “Zone” of unconditional love.”

So I started observing and experimenting.

Observed / reflected on many of my coaching sessions with professionals, house-wives, students etc. Everyone talk mostly about expectations, unsaid assumptions, unlikable things about others and themselves etc.

It was very tough for me and for them : To stop expecting anything in return, to let go of our control, to think like “A saint” and not get angry, to love everyone, blah blah!!

I was missing something BIG in this whole scheme of things. Finally one day it occurred to me –

“The first step towards experiencing this is to love your own-self unconditionally”

Like they say in one of the Hindu prayers that I sang the most in my childhood “Doosron ki jai se pehle, khud ko jai karen”… My subconscious answered this back to me!

The most important aspect, to move towards any type of abundance, achievement, happiness and success, is to “UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOURSELF”. I read these before, but understood and applied it now!

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Self reflection

Now, look back to all the points above that describe “unconditional love” and apply to yourself.

Examples:

  1. Irrespective of whatever I do, I love  and accept myself and it grows every day
  2. I often think about what can I do more to make myself happy and smile
  3. I feel like in love with every being around me
  4. If I do any mistakes (in my eyes), I explain right things to myself and let go

Also, answer the following questions about yourself –

  1. How do you define yourself, does it reflect self – love?
  2. What are the things you hate about yourself?
  3. What are the memories that you are embarrassed or guilty about?
  4. How often and in what contexts do you use some words like – “I don’t, I can’t, I’m not able to”
  5. How many words instantly come to your mind, if I ask you to tell your positive qualities in your personality (not work or knowledge related)

Do you think you need to change this reflection? Do you see anything alarming? Do you want to LOVE yourself even more…

If yes, then start following this series, and we can work together to make it a great success story for you in 2016.

You can expect to see a drastic positive change in your life.

All you need to do is, read and consciously follow at-least 10% of what you liked, in real life.

Next in Series –

“5 simple techniques to unconditionally love yourself, that can change your life within a week’s time”

Please comment, like or get in touch in whatever way you prefer for me to know that you read it, liked it or have a thought!

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“I am a power house! I attract success in everything I do…” ~ Bring more abundance to your life~

INTRODUCTION

Sometimes, even if you have all the skills, resources and plan in place, things go wrong! This happens, not once, not twice, but almost every freaking time you try.. Have you experienced it? If yes, then you must know this –

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“One of the biggest reasons we don’t achieve our goals & wishes, that too repeatedly, is because of our own embedded limiting beliefs “

This blog covers some extremely important aspects of our belief system, which if unlocked, can create an abundant life.

As the intent of Positive Lights is to move towards abundance, this blog includes few tips and techniques using which you can re-wire your brain by replacing limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs.

SOME FACTS ABOUT “BELIEFS” THAT YOU MUST KNOW

What is a Belief?

It’s a feeling of certainty about what something means. For example: Success is an outcome of hard work, Time is money, Marriage is a huge responsibility etc.

Where do these beliefs come from?

Most of our beliefs are generalizations about our past, based on our interpretations of painful and pleasurable experiences. These beliefs could have been created “Consciously or unconsciously”. Sometimes it’s the education of our parents, sometimes our interpretation of a situation. We may have beliefs about rights, duties, abilities, permissions and so on.

Types of beliefs

Beliefs can be classified basis how they impact you. There are few beliefs that makes you feel stressed, heavy and sad. On the other hand, there are few that give you strength to move on or bounce back.

For me following beliefs really helped in life – I’m a strong resilient woman, I take challenges as an opportunity to shine more, Give your 100% in whatever you do else don’t do etc. etc.

However few that were counterproductive for me were – “Money never comes easily, you need to work hard for it!”,”Life is tough and full of tests and challenges”,  “If I’m laughing,I’ll have to cry harder in few days” etc.

How do our beliefs impact our life

The more we think about our beliefs, the more it gets engraved in us. We tag things right and wrong using our belief system. Our behaviors and actions naturally start aligning to those beliefs and we tag our self identity with them. So much so, that sometimes these beliefs start limiting us and sometimes these beliefs take us to a highest point in life.

I remember the time when I lost a loved one, months passed by, but there was no respite. Hurt wasn’t reducing, I wasn’t able to laugh. No matter how much I tried to laugh, it would always follow with tears afterwards. I didn’t know why! I was feeling frustrated and so were people around me. It was much later, when someone just asked me a direct question – “Is it that you believe that you can’t laugh as it is not right”,  or “how can you laugh when such a big loss has happened in your life?”

It disturbed me, I kept thinking and thinking about it. And what occurred to me after all this thinking was this STRANGE unconscious belief –

“Now on-wards, my life has ended, and I can never laugh. If I laugh and enjoy, people will think I am over it, and that’s not right!”

Half of my pain and hurt was gone by just this powerful realization about my own belief. After that, I worked consciously to get over it. I had to be OK with what happened, and that it was OK for me to be happy! I deserved a lot more happiness in life.

This is a clear example of “LIMITING BELIEF”. Few other common examples of limiting beliefs are given below: 

  • “Life is tough and full of challenges”
  • “I can’t tell the truth because I may get judged…”
  • “I don’t want to get close to this person lest my heart gets broken…”
  • “I don’t want to ask for what I want because, what if I get rejected?”
  • “I can’t trust people because I’ve been betrayed before…”
  • “I can’t pursue my dreams because I don’t know what I’d do if I fail…”
  • “I can’t do X because of Y…”
  • “I can’t do A because of B…”

If you identify with any of the above beliefs and feel stuck in life, you are the chosen one who’s meant to be reading this blog 🙂

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT THESE LIMITING BELIEFS?

  • Validate if it is really a “Limiting Belief”
    • There is a question of whether limiting beliefs are actually good for us and whether they keep us from harm. In practice some beliefs which limit us are actually valid beliefs which are worth keeping. The problem is telling the difference. Limiting beliefs are erroneous, being based on wrong ‘facts’ and so prompt us to treat things with undue caution. Example : You should never trust anyone in business
  • All personal breakthroughs begin with a change in beliefs. The moment we begin to honestly question our beliefs and the experiences we assign to them, we no longer feel absolutely certain about them. This opens the door to replacing your old, dis-empowering beliefs with new beliefs that support you in the direction you want to go.Example:During a coaching session, I questioned one executive’s belief about not being comfortable to have a small talk with his global counterparts. After some thinking, he was stunned when it occurred to him that it was “because he had a belief that he shouldn’t be open to outsiders and in his work context his native colleagues were the family, while the global counterparts were outside family. Only this realization about the limiting belief changed his perspective and he has turned the tables at work now”.If you develop the absolute sense of certainty that powerful beliefs provide, then you can get yourself to accomplish virtually anything, including those things other people are certain are impossible.
  • Replace your limiting belief with an empowering belief. Few examples of empowering beliefs are mentioned below. You can also create your own empowering beliefs.
    • I am a power house! I attract success in everything I do
    • I always have time to do stuff that I really want
    • The past does not equal the future
    •  Everything happens for good, we might not know the reason then or ever after
    • I find great joy in little things… a smile… a flower… a sunrise…
    • I love freely because it is part of being human, with each heart-break I learnt how to strengthen my relationships in future
    • If I’m confused, something great is going to happen in my life and I’m about to learn something
    • All human beings are born prince/princesses, I respect all point of views and disagreements
    • I believe in taking immediate actions after the planning is done
  • Energize and empower your beliefs each morning
    • Write your empowering beliefs somewhere and read every morning (by doing this you strengthen your neural pathways and finally it becomes permanent belief in 21 days of daily repeat)
    • Think about all the times when you were able to change your belief in the past, example – you believed that you could never drive a car, but you learnt and can drive now

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy.” – Anthony Robbins

My 30 day challenge to you!

  • Pick up ONE limiting belief that is stopping you from achieving your goal
  • Convert it into multiple empowering beliefs, write them on a paper or mobile and read as many times as you can in a day – for 30 continuous days
  • Tell me your experience!

All the very best!

Discover the Unconditional Love : Part 2

This blog is a continuation of  Part 1 

We knew that “Loving yourself” is the first step towards discovering the power of unconditional love.

However “Loving yourself” has it’s own dynamics. There are many fears attached to it –

  1. What if people get an impression that “we are egoistic or proudy”
  2. What if “I stop seeing my own mistakes”
  3. What if “I don’t see the other people’s point of views” because I love myself and value only myself
  4. What if I am no more modest and humble

Last month after writing the blog, many of your reached out to me with the above fears and potential threats to this theory. I loved all your inputs and took some time to write my next one.

I experimented with 30-day watsapp challenge to test this concept of self love, which more than 100+ of you joined and I’m humbled to hear out the changes you witnessed in your lives. Write to me at info@positivelights.in if  you weren’t part of it, and I’ll add you to the next one.

As I studied more and more on the subject, and found out that famous gurus like Buddha, Osho, Vivekananda, Great management coaches/authors like Wayne Dyer, Stephen Covey, successful entrepreneurs like Bill Gates, Ratan Tata, Steve Jobs etc., all talk about how important self-love, self-esteem is to live a happy and successful life!

The more you love yourself, the more success and abundance you invite in your life.

“When you love yourself unconditionally, you automatically love others unconditionally”. P.S. – before judging this statement, please take out time to read this entire blog and know what it means and how can we move towards it.

My attempt here is to simplify it, so anyone can translate the steps easily in life.

Basic fundamental :

Human relationships are complex – that’s what people say. However, I believe that human relationships are much simpler than we think they are. It is our own mind that plays games with us, it’s not the other people who make things complicated for us.

Hence, it is the matter of “programming your own mind to success and happy life”. If people had the power to mess up with our lives, then the way our society is, no-one would have ever achieved anything. Ones who make it big are the ones who have mastered this mind-game.

Psychology related tools like – NLP, TA, Hypnotic Therapies etc. are the concepts born out of this finding.

Here’s something that I designed which has the potential to help program your mind to love yourself unconditionally and discover the path to successful and happy life.

“5 simple steps / techniques to unconditionally love yourself”

Create a written log for better results, and ensure you continuously practice the steps below, over a period of 21 days. If any one day looks tough, just do the bare minimum or repeat something you’ve already done. Time required is minimum 5 -15 minutes on a daily basis.

Step 1 : Find out and write reasons to love yourself

  • Write down 5 things that you like about yourself
  • Check with your close friends, relatives and colleagues, what are the 3 things/qualities that they like in you
  • Remember and write the moments (big/small) when you did some good/right things in life and felt great

Step 2 : Forgive yourself for your past mistakes and let go

  • If you have some incidents where you did something wrong or have the feeling of guilty and regret, here’s something you must do –
    • Everyday, take 3 deep breadths and tell yourself atleast 3 times –
      • I choose to accept my mistake with grace and move ahead
      • I choose to learn ________________________ from my mistake and will never consciously repeat it
      • I’m “OK” and accept myself with those mistakes and issues.
      • I love my self for accepting my mistakes and for the strength I’ve gathered to move ahead
  • If you want, if it is possible and feel mentally ready, you can even reach out to the person who got hurt and ask for forgiveness. JUST ASKING forgiveness (even once), will create a very positive energy within you – the only condition being – don’t expect the person to forgive easily or soon, or don’t expect the person to behave in a specific way – take your call here!
    • Remember others also need time to forgive, they expect an apology too, they should be given a choice and respect for whether to continue the relationship or not. You asked for forgiveness because you felt like doing right things. Respect yourself for doing that, and come back.

Step 3 : Forgiving others 

It is important to free up yourselves from the bad feelings related to other people / relationships, before you try to look within for self discovery.

You won’t be able to completely discover your inner strength, till the time you free up yourself from the hurt and wounds (supposedly) created by or because of other people.

  • Forgiving someone is by-far the toughest of all the steps written here. Reason being it’s the “Rebellious Child” within us that we need to control. This rebellious child doesn’t want to let go of the EGO. Some people might even need counseling or deeper work to forgive and let go. I will only suggest you to take a step towards it, in whatever way you like.

Some facts about forgiving :

  • Forgiving doesn’t mean that you have to go and tell the person that you have forgiven him/her, and now you are back together again doing the same things! Forgiving is primarily to free yourself up, there is a learning that you got out of it, take that learning.and move ahead.
  • Forgiving and letting go has the potential to resolve a lot of  health issues like – thyroid, hypertension, diabetes, obesity and even cancer in some cases .

Step 4 : Practice affirmations of love, respect, humbleness and being grounded

Write affirmations and talk these out everyday. Reach out to me if you dont know about affirmations. Download mobile applications around affirmations which makes you read atleast 1 a day.. ! See the magic happening..

Step 5 : Find out and write your passion, values and beliefs

  • Follow my next blog around this topic.

 Step 5 is a movement towards self-introspection and that might be your first step towards an abundant life.

Please do comment and share this blog on facebook, twitter or other social media with your friends if you like it and feel that others looking for this journey will get benefited.

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Who decides I’m happy?

INTRODUCTION

I was profusely in tears, had shut myself in the bathroom. Though I was just 6-7 years old, I still remember this incident so vividly. My dad was knocking the door and requesting me to come out. After a couple of minutes, I opened the door and hugged him tight.

A few minutes ago, I was fighting with mom to get me a new doll, and with all her honesty, she explained why we couldn’t buy it. Dad’s business was in pits, we barely had food to eat, there were so many people we had borrowed money from, buying a doll was a distant dream. I was shocked to hear this brutal truth, and went running to the bathroom to cry it out.

Sobbing and feeling terrible within, I said sorry that I had troubled him so much for buying me things. I told him that I didn’t know that we were going through so much otherwise I would have never asked.

He smiled and asked me to look into his eyes, I tried hard to do that and when I did, he said “Have you ever seen me crying or breaking down? Have you ever seen me sad? Yes we are going through a tough phase, but that doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy or be happy! God is with us and this phase will pass by”

I recollected, how he was always cheerful and greeted guests with all his energy and enthusiasm, how he played with us for hours after coming back from work, how he heard out my school stories giving all the reactions I needed. Our little games on the bed, stories, singing bhajans, eating together, reciting poems and mantras just before going to sleep!

How on the earth I would ever know our situation? How would anyone know? I never saw him hopeless till date, he is always filled with gratitude and an endless zest to live life!

Now when I look back, I feel blessed to get those attributes in genes. And while growing up I learnt some more powerful concepts and facts about “Happiness” that further changed my whole life and perspectives. I will also attempt to give some examples and techniques to internalise these concepts if you really want to.

3 most important facts about “HAPPINESS”

1. Happiness is a state of mind, its not correlated with circumstances

This was my first lesson of life. No matter what we are going through, happiness is a choice.

Even when we weren’t doing well, we barely had food to eat, or money for our school fee, but still, we enjoyed and made some amazing childhood memories.

Do this small little experiment with yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror, smile or laugh so that you are able to see your teeth, and try to feel sad! – its difficult! isn’t it 🙂

Now, even when we know about it, and we talk about it, I acknowledge that it is still difficult to be in a problem circumstance, but still feel normal or happy. Few tricks that help me are –

a) Some empowering beliefs that I repeat to myself as many times as possible : :

  • For me, whatever happens, happens for good and happens for a reason that we don’t know and might never know
  • There’s always an alterni-am-strongate way to turn around the situation
  •  It’s only during the difficult circumstances, we show our true character & personality to ourselves and others who look upto us
  • Confusion is good for sometime. It means we are moving towards making a big change in life.
  • Circumstances are just a phase that passes by. Just ask yourself if you can do something about it. If yes, then do it and don’t worry, if no, then anyway don’t waste your time worrying! It’s as simple as that.

b) It’s “OK” to be sad at times or feel disappointed with the circumstances, the trick is how soon we get out of that sadness and bounce back with double power and energy.

c) Affirmations about “What we really want in a situation?” helps me stay positive and hopeful, instead of cribbing about why it’s not there, or not happening.

2. Everyone’s definition of “Happiness” can be different, what’s yours?

My whole life till few years ago, was about fighting it out, get to the top in career, compete and prove myself to others. I thought I’ll be happy after that. I thought, my “happiness” will be when I’ll be able to show off to the world that “I’ve done it”… I did that!… I have that dream house, dream car, more money!

Now, that I really did it, got a dream job, dream salary, I felt very shallow. Throughout life I’ve been chasing these dreams by working really hard, I remember all the stress, conflicts, learnings, reflections, feedback, hurt and pain… but now when I reached life’s key milestone – I felt shallow. I realised that it was NOT my true happiness. I’ve been living in this stress for almost entire life.

With a little more reflection, I realised, my real happiness was in making a difference in other people’s lives. Whenever someone came back to me saying that they felt good and their lives changed after talking to me – that’s when I felt “Happy” in the real sense. Be it my parents, my friends, my family, relatives or neighbours.

While it is important to have my career for my own self esteem, credibility and material dreams, I can still choose to be happy throughout the journey, if I clearly know “What makes me happy?”. “Positive Lights” it is for me… http://www.positivelights.in. Not for anything else, but only for making a difference and be really happy!

What is it for you? What’s your passion that makes you happy?… I realised mid-life crisis for most, is nothing but this! A redefining phase, a phase when one is confused and figuring out “What real happiness means to him/her?” – And, you bet! It’s not an easy task for everyone to identify passion. Blessed are those who are able to identify “What makes them happy”, and super blessed are those who are able to change course of life and align more to their happiness.

Here’s an attempt you can make to identify your passion. Answer the following questions –

  1. If time and money was not a constraint, what would you have “done”?
  2. To the answer of point 1 : : What is important about doing that?
  3. How much and what does “doing that” mean to you?
  4. What will happen if you do that?
  5. How will you feel when you do that?
  6. Who do  you want to see with you, when you are doing that?
  7. What are the steps that you can take today, to do that?

I hope you get to find your passion through these questions! 🙂

NOTE : What is important to understand here is that, in your ecosystem, every person (your wife, husband, daughter, friends, parents etc.) might have different answers to Question no. 1. above. You need to understand, respect and support them for their passion, if they don’t know, help them identify their passion. It might not be same as yours, but the feeling of happiness attached to it, is the same. This will enable others to support you for your passion as well.

3. We create our own “Happiness” variables – Its the game of our own mind!

This last fact, is perhaps the final and the most important key to happiness.

Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously we tag our happiness state with external situations or people.

The fact is : The more we tag our happiness to the outside world, the more dependant we become, the more susceptible to hurt we are. When we are in a blame frame, we make ourself feel pity on us. It’s all a game that our mind plays with us. Our mind makes us choose these variables.

Few examples : a) Often when I meet Indian newly married couples, specially the wives have this issue. My husband cares more for his parents, or goes out with his friends and forgets me, or doesn’t change his lifestyle etc. etc., b) He/She didn’t call me, c) They should have paid respect to us, d) They didn’t show any courtesy like we did, e) The temperature here is so bad, f) I can’t stand their lifestyle etc. etc.

The question is – Can we programme our mind to choose different variables for our happiness?happinesschoicenotchanceblog-13978412078gkn4Here are few things that I tried and worked for me :

  1. Figuring out my passion and spending more time on it made me forget half of my earlier petty issues
  2. Contracting in relationships really helped set expectations
  3. I practiced dissociation with the emotions attached to a situation that couldn’t be changed
  4. Limiting the no. of people who impact our happiness quotient (Inner circle). Concentrating on very few close relationships and giving more time and energy to those few relationships helped me get more meaning and support.
  5. Last but not the least – “My Gratitude list” keeps me happy and grounded always!

 

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Hope this write up helps you in some way. Please leave a “comment or like” on this blog for me to know your feedback :).

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Breakfree : “From Disagreements to Love” – Experience the freedom within you

Thanks for reading my blogs and your continuous encouragement.

INTRODUCTION

I have a best friend, we are celebrating 20 years of friendship. Our thoughts, hobbies, personalities were pole opposite, and maybe that’s why we were always together and enjoyed each other’s company. But apart from the deep soul level connection we shared, we always ended up in a bad spat in every few months/years. One of our spat went on for as long as 4 years! Gosh I badly missed her but still was so angry with her! I knew she wasn’t right.

I noticed a similar thing  going in my dad and brother’s relationship. Both thought they were right!

Oh! And dont’ start about bosses :)… I always knew bosses were wrong and I was always right.

With subordinates – aaah… i know they don’t know as much as me, i have experience, so they better respect that.

Can you connect with anything written above? Do you have a person in your life with whom you share a connection, but you can’t just stand him/her?

You put all your efforts to get back in the right spirit of relationship, but just then, again you realise that you don’t agree and feel bad when you are around him/her. Sometimes, the relationship goes well with distance and occasional “hellos”, but when you get in touch again, you end up in a fight and emotional outburst, or heaviness in the heart.

You feel that the relationship is either – indispensable- or incredibly close -or at the soul level, but you feel burdened and unhappy with his/her behaviour. He/She could be your spouse, boss, subordinate, parents, childhood friend anyone!

THIS BLOG’S OBJECTIVE

In the last few years, I practiced consciously and figured an incredible formula. This formula not only helped me mend my relationships with the closed ones, it gave me a new emotional freedom. A freedom where I feel empowered and close to everyone I meet. I’m at a place in life, where I can confidently say that I’m incredibly in love with everyone I meet!

After reading this blog, if only, few of you could connect to this formula and try to apply it in your lives with great results… my objective will be met.

It is applicable anywhere – at work, home, institutions etc. The more you use it, the more you will feel the freedom and love it. 🙂

BASIC FUNDAMENTAL

This blog also include some simple empowering beliefs that can change the meaning and essence of your relationships:

Belief 1 : People CAN have different definitions of “Right” or “Wrong”

A big reason why we get into an argument is, when we feel we are right and the other person is wrong.

Now, to take it further, there are 3 big reasons why people view the same thing differently –

  1. Different societal rules and cultures : Example : A westerner might feel public hugging and kissing is right between a man and a woman, while our rural india feel it’s a sin
  2. Different circumstances: Example : A person under huge debt might feel that asking for money and favours is his last resort and is ok, while the others who are well nourished might feel that it is below dignity
  3. Different personality types: Example : A person might have an extrovert personality and feel that sharing personal information openly is absolutely ok, while the introvert one might feel its too personal and one shouldn’t share with everyone

Two common reactions :

NO. 1: We get in a passionate mode to make the person believe in our thought process, to prove our point, to ensure that the person moves according to us. The intention could be anything – “To make them realise that we are right always”, or “To make their lives better”, or “To make them realise their mistakes and make them better”.. etc.

NO. 2: We choose to ignore and sulk, vent it out else where, talk about how wrong the person is doing, but don’t tell him/her because he / she doesn’t listen and won’t understand.

Most of the times, its not only the content (What you are saying) bothers the other person in a conversation that turns into argument, it is largely about the process (How are you saying) that matters.

FORMULA I LEARNT TO DEAL WITH DISAGREEMENTS

There are three key basic constructs that needs to be set right. Let’s discuss these below :

  1. Respect

We don’t know where the other person is coming from. What is there deep within them, which is making them talk something that we don’t agree with. We don’t even have time , need and patience to dig deep.

So the best thing we can do in this case is, to take a SHORT CUT – Just trust the fact that the person has the right intentions for himself at-least. And respect the fact that he/she is sharing some opinion.

Belief 2: : Disagreement doesn’t mean Disrespect

A fear that, if we say NO or disagree, the other person will feel that we are disrespecting them, , is very prevalent specially in Indian Culture.

I’m blessed to have a dad, who always encouraged a straight talk. Irrespective of any age I go back to – 6yrs till date. This discussion included how at different point in times, I felt he was wrong and he felt I wasn’t doing the right thing. He always listened to my point of view very patiently, respected it, stated his reasons and closed the conversation amicably.

But I’m well aware of our cultural nuance – where children dare to say NO to their parents. Disagreements meant being disrespectful.

Fact is that – “You can respect the other person’s point of view, state your own point of view, and can still agree to disagree.”

Language like below can help you use the above formula:

“I respect your point of view, what I understand you said is ………., here’s where I’m coming from ……….., you don’t necessarily have to agree to my point of view.

“Let’s respect each other’s point of view and see where we can find a common ground” OR “Lets’ leave it here and agree to disagree”, OR “Lets decide basis what is good for the larger cause”, OR “While we have given our point of views, let the decision authority take the decision basis what works best according to them” 

The moment our intention changes in between the argument, to defeat the other person, or make ourselves look more intelligent, or to ensure that it’s my way or highway to show the power, it can be sensed by everyone else other than us through our tone and revengeful feelings.

In that case even if the decision goes our way and others agree, we lose some amount of respect. I’m sure you can recall some news journalist doing debates as an example in this case. Recently few of them just lost their respect due to this reason.

Another better way to make your point is to always align it to the larger cause or organisation. So your intent is clear.

2. Judgment

A yet deeper reason why we find it difficult to respect someone is our “Judgment” about the person.

Given below are few scenarios, notice what comes to your mind after reading each of them –

  • We look at some old parents living alone, while the children have all the amenities to get them to stay with them, but that doesn’t happen.
  • We look at a person who is in a lot of debt, but is smiling, jumping around with new clothes and phone.
  • We read flaming e-mails from a person for small little things that can be usually ignored.
  • A person is shouting at a lady for overtaking him.
  • A child is crying blatantly in the arms of maid, and the mother rushes to office for an urgent meeting
  • A person is non-stop just talking in the meeting, without giving a chance to anyone to speak

Our brain finds – all the above situations that we witness or experience – very stimulating and starts to process and pass on a judgment.

Some of the examples of the judgments we make are :

  • “What an irresponsible and selfish person”
  • “This person is so irresponsible and spendthrift”
  • “She is a big drama queen”, 
  • “Oh! What a male chauvinist pig”,
  • “What an irresponsible mother”
  • “This person is so irritating and full of himself”
  • “He is the most careless person I’ve seen in life”

Next time whenever these thoughts come to your mind, while talking to someone or your observations, here’s a counter empowerment belief that will come to your rescue :

Belief 3 : We are no-one to judge other person’s life or mental state. Let’s discount their intention.

 

When our brain successfully makes a judgment (specially a negative one), it becomes very difficult to “RESPECT” others.

Example : If I’ve already made a judgment that a person is a male chauvinist pig, I will not be able to “respect” him in any situation for anything.

So the best way to come out of this situation and experience the freedom of love is to “STOP YOUR BRAIN TO MAKE JUDGMENTS”.

Tell yourself –

Belief 4 : They have their own point of view, their own personality, their own way of living. We can reflect and make judgments on and for only ourselves

A famous story explains this beautifully : : The scorpion and the frog. A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, they would both drown. Considering this, the frog agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. It is in the nature of Scorpion to sting!

If I were the frog in the story, I would have weighed the facts and would have decided accordingly. Frog is the only one responsible for its outcome and let us refrain from making judgments for both scorpion and frog.

How do you refrain from making a judgment :

Whenever you feel you are about to or are making the statements that are sounding like judgments : :  Reciting this belief no. 4 will help. Proactively work on this and you will see the magic happening.

Not only will you feel less burdened, but also, you will feel the freedom and happiness within you for being a good human being. Try it out!

3. Detachment from “the other person’s outcome”

I personally experienced and practiced this formula, and it’s just amazing how things in life become simpler.

There was a time when I had become very possessive about my parents. They were in a different city, but in my mind I had taken their complete responsibility. For their health, for their living, for everything they did, I felt responsible and took charge. Even if they told me about a little fever that they had, I use to start feeling helpless and scold them for not taking care of themselves. Would arrange for all kinds of medical tests, and make them eat all that was diet and different than what they were used to. It came to a point that they stopped telling me anything. I came to know later that my mom had an accident, but no one told me because I would have felt stressed.

Next time when we met, in one of our open conversations, when I was yelling at my dad for not telling me anything they went through, he told me how miserable he felt when I reacted to small little things earlier. I was taken aback. My intentions were good. everyone knew, but still they felt choked!

It was a warning call, I thought about it a lot and that’s when I realised that “I am and will never be responsible for what happens to them”. They are two individuals leading a life on their own terms with their own style. They take care of each other in the way they like.

Belief 5 : At the most, we can suggest, or help or provide resources, but after that what the other person do, is their life and decision and their consequences and we need to RESPECT that.

Yes, my being possessive for them and my behaviour to control them, was very disrespectful. I apologised and got back to normal life. I still love them, provide them with all my support and be there with them when they need, but now – I don’t control their lives!

Following your desire to “CONTROL” others and make them THINK, BELIEVE and DO according to what you think is “RIGHT”… is one of the biggest mistake we do in a relationship.

So as you can see, here we are back to our full circle.

Please send me your feedback through comments and likes for me to know your point of views and thoughts.

SUMMARY

In order to break-free from the burden of relationships, and move towards a freedom of love where every person you meet, you fall in love with, one needs to change some core limiting beliefs to empowering beliefs. Also, one needs to really understand the concept of “Respect”, “Impact of Judgment” and “Dissociation” with regards to relationships and freedom of love.

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Did you really mean that? – “Power of Intention”

Take1INTRODUCTION

 “But why the hell did you go out if you weren’t well?” – shouted Aliya at her husband! “Don’t you get it, I had to give my phone for repair, else all the work would have halted tomorrow” – exclaimed Satish who was sneezing and burning with fever. “It wasn’t that bad at that time anyway, else I wouldn’t have gone!”

Silence for a couple of minutes followed with a huge quarrel. All the last 5 married years details were discussed – how irresponsible Satish was, how work was the only thing on his head all the time, how many times he ignored Aliya because of work! and how accusing and judgmental Aliya was, how nothing was enough for her….!!!

Wait! Can you relate to this scenario above? It might very well happen at work as well. Here you go…

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“Kris, I’ve been looking at your performance data since last 40 days, and I’m afraid that the results are not as expected. I suggest you start taking your work seriously and spend a little extra time getting trained, so your performance scores are better. ” – said Rohan with a concerned tone.

“But I thought I was doing ok, if this was the case, why did you not tell me before! ” exclaimed Kris. “I have been in constant touch with the customers, have resolved the most important cases in last 6 months, saved more than $100,000 with my new ideas in the past, and you are telling me to start taking work seriously, just because last 40 days have not been up to the mark?  I know my utilization is low, that too because I’m struggling with few things, but that doesn’t mean I’m not taking my work seriously or I need some training.”

I’m sure all of us have been through this type of conversation before.  This blog talks about a very simple yet powerful conversational technique to make our lives and relationships trustworthy, simpler and peaceful! The catch is to practice it consciously after you know about this technique..

DISCLAIMER : This blog covers only the simple aspects of conversation to build rapport and relationships at work and home. It doesn’t deal with the extremes like – Intention to kill or destroy.

POWER OF INTENTION

Most renowned leaders talked about “TRUST” being one of the key factors to build rapport and great relationships. However, TRUST comes with some efforts that we put into a relationship. 

Here’s my simple technique that works wonders to build trust. I’ve been practicing it for 85% of the scenarios at home and at work… and it works 100% of the times – 

When you have to communicate a difficult message –

  1. SHED THE EGO – TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR INTENTION

Often, we leave the burden of understanding our intention, on the other person. He should understand how much I care for him, or he should know that I’m saying this for his good! 

The problem with that approach is, that we assume that we already have the established trust because we are related or know each other for a long time. That’s not true! You can be related for years, but “Trust” is never built without talking about our intentions of an action. Why do you think we connect with people on drinks/informal gatherings much better? It is because, in those gatherings, we shed our ego and talk heart to heart! 

Now another problem that I hear from my coachees is, I did tell him about my intention, but next time again he reacted the same way. How many times do I tell? My answer to that is – as many times as he wants to listen. It’s always better and emotionally easier to tell the intention rather than reacting and yelling.

“Why do we feel that ego to NOT tell our intention or how bad we are feeling?” What will go wrong if the other person knows that we are feeling hurt, or sad, or disappointed. Confessions like these don’t make us vulnerable, they make us stronger, more graceful and authentic!

Here’s a quick example – 

  • Aliya told Satish – “I feel very sad and hurt when you are not well. I cant’ see you lying sick on the bed, it’s very hurtful to see you there. ” Can you please think about me, before you do this to yourself next time? My intention is to see you healthy and active.

What do you think Satish’s reaction could be?

  • Kris –  I’ve specially called you for this meeting is because I’m concerned about your performance since last 40 days. Intention of this discussion is for us to come up with a plan to ensure that you are our STAR performer. Let’s talk about it and see what both of us can do to enable yours and team’s better performance in future.

 

The more and more we practice this art of telling our intention before the actual content, the more we build trust and rapport with others. There will eventually come a time, when you won’t need to explain your intention, it will be in an auto mode with the same person.

2. CLARIFY THE INTENTION

If at all you are the recipient in the conversation, it comes very handy to clarify the intention. This is a tricky one, specially when you don’t have trust or any established relationship.

It is important for you to identify and acknowledge how you are feeling about the first person’s ask/comment. Some people lack this ability to put a name to a feeling. For that I recommend them reading more about emotional intelligence or emotional vocabulary.

Until a point when you decide to take Sanyas, this emotional vocabulary will help you deal with reactions to most common issues in life. 

Here are some examples/statements to clarify the other person’s intention.

Example :

  • Rohan, when you asked me to start taking my work seriously, I felt very disappointed. What exactly did you mean?
  • Rohan, when you said that I should spend extra time on training, I felt very uncomfortable. How do you think extra training will help me?

After this, let the other person explain his/her intention. It is important to ask difficult/right questions to help the other person to clarify intentions.

An attempt to understand the other person’s underlying intention makes things and consequences much easier to deal with.

REMEMBER ALWAYS

  • Sometimes, these questions to clarify intentions, can make the other person react further. It’s a good sign. Give time for him/her to react or come back. At-least you have made that first attempt to clarify instead of reacting.
  • Sometimes, we make a strong presumption that the person’s intention is NOT right. In that case, we will never be able to establish trust and rapport, so any attempt to clarify intent or telling the truth will not help! – This is a deeper issue.
  • It is advisable to give a benefit of doubt and trust the person’s intention when he/she’s stating it explicitly and question your own presumptions. Having a heart to heart about how you feel can also help in this case.

 

SUMMARY

Stating your intent and clarifying other person’s intent – Practicing these two skills will make you a great conversationalist over a very short span of time.

Please watch out your own intention before getting into this conversation – “It should be to build trust and rapport with the other person and not to prove him/her wrong!”

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“Sub-conscious Drivers” of your decisions/actions

SubConsciousIntroduction

This content is an attempt to simplify the Transaction Analysis concept around “Personal Drivers”. 

Remember the last time you were rushed to do a work, or the last time when you were in a conflict, or when you felt stressed for any reason.

Have you ever wondered, when we are in these situations, what guides our behavior? What makes us act in a particular way  most of the times? On what basis do we take decisions in a spur of a moment?

How can it help?

  1. To identify the sub-conscious process that guides your behavior in most common but difficult situations. By being aware, you can make a conscious choice /decisions in life instead of being driven by something unknown within you. You can also understand what internal drivers other people have and therefore gain more patience to deal with them.
  2. This is also specially for the new parents, who have this brilliant opportunity to make a difference in their child’s life / personality, by being aware of this concept and sending right messages to his/her sub-conscious.

What are these Drivers?

Drivers are your innate or sub-conscious lessons that you learnt in a very young age. Possibly between 2 – 6yrs., upto 12 years in some cases. Do you remember your parents saying any of the below in different or similar words-

  1. “You need to do it quickly, else you will fall behind”
  2. “Take quick actions to make things work, don’t waste time”
  3. “Do this so everyone can clap for you”
  4. “If you do this, everyone will be very happy”
  5. “Complete this diligently, there shouldn’t be a single miss-out”
  6. “You need to work hard to be able to get good marks”
  7. “Without working hard you won’t get anything, look how I worked hard all my life to be here where I am”
  8. “Life is not fair, you will meet a lot of difficult people, you should be in good books”

These are very simple statements and there’s nothing wrong in these statements. What is complex is, how your child is translating it into his/her mind, or how you translated it for yourself. Broadly this translation result in 5 different types of drivers. One can have all or few of them.

  1. Hurry Up
  2. Please Others
  3. Be Perfect
  4. Be Strong
  5. Try Hard

Somewhere in our growing up journey, we store these messages in our sub-conscious which act as a guidance to our behaviors.

“The importance of recognizing these drivers in ourselves  is that we can then work to the best of them rather than be driven by them.”

It was surprising for me for the first time when I read this concept. Suddenly it dawned on me, how I just couldn’t sit idle without doing anything (I still can’t, but I’m aware). That’s because my dad use to say a lot of this >>>Hurry up and Try Hard. After being aware, it gives me a lot of internal peace and less of stress when I hurry up and try hard now 🙂

On the contrary, I realized, how I had this strong “Please Others” driver in me which stopped me from sharing honest opinions lest it will hurt people. This also came from my childhood. It took me a lot of conscious efforts to change this misconception that – “if I share my true opinion, it will hurt others”. Sometimes I lost out on relationships and had a lot of inner conflict just because of my inability to call a spade a spade! Now I’m different 🙂 and it was a relatively easy journey of transition.

Note

  • Sometimes being a child we could have translated these messages in a reverse manner. Example –
    • What did my mom get after pleasing others all her life? I’ll be very blunt when it comes to sharing opinions – i don’t want to copy this from her and fail.
      • Resulting belief : I will fail in my life, if I start pleasing others
    • So, it is important that you have these discussions with your child, to know how is he/she translating these observations.
  • Tip to practice this awareness: I am a very diligent fan of the Big Boss tv show. It’s very mesmerizing for me to observe how different people behave differently in a stressful situation. These are good safe platforms to observe and draw these psychological conclusions and practice awareness around the subject. Discuss it with people of similar interest to solidify your observation skills around personalities.

Reflection

Possibly now you are anyway thinking about – what are your drivers, or what drivers you should inculcate in your child. Some more questions that you can ask yourself –

  • What are your drivers when you take a decision or work on something
  • People with whom you don’t get along, but still need to deal with, what drivers do they have?
  • What drivers would you like to instill in your child and how are you going to manage his/her translation?

Remember

There is no good or bad driver. The key is how one is utilizing this driver to one’s benefit. Examples:

  1. I worked around my “Please others” driver, and thought about pleasing myself first, I’m utilizing this driver of mine through Positive Lights, which I believe is adding a positive impact in people’s life.
  2. I have a lot more patience for people who have “Be Perfect” drivers 🙂

More information

  • While I’m sure you’ll figure out very easily what your inner drivers are, here’s a quick link to a questionnaire that will help you validate your assumption – Click here
  • If you liked this blog, and want to know more about Positive Lights – you can visit our website – http://www.positivelights.in
  • We do some live events (in Bangalore, India), These are not for profit initiatives. If you are interested to attend, write to us at : info@positivelights.in

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